1.13.11

So here we are the day before I have to decide about nursing school and I am still unsure.  I am not sure why I have put this deadline on myself- I think because I get 100% of my money back if I decide by tomorrow.  Perhaps THAT is not your plan.

In a worldly eye there is ZERO reason for me not to go to school.

And yet it makes me nervous to no end.  Sick.  This is what I have written about it:

To be a nurse, or not to be a nurse.

THAT is the question.

PROS / Reasons it feels okay                                   
- It gives me a plan to move on from Methodist
- I have always wanted to be a nurse for the most part
- It gives me skills I will use as a mom and in missions
- It pays well
- I can do it anywhere
- Methodist is paying for this year
- HCC is a fairly open program as long as you make the grades and meet the requirements- no stress of doing all of this work and not getting into a program
- I have not seen or experienced ANY road blocks in the process of school- registration, getting good classes and teachers, financial, etc.  It has been smooth sailing
- If I want change in my job situation, I have to take a step toward something else.  I don’t think I can just sit here waiting for someone to knock on my cubicle and offer me something I would love to do.
- Everyone is supportive even people I didn’t think would be.
- At least I can say I tried

CONS/ Reasons it feels like the wrong move
- I have a feeling in my gut that says God has something else planned and if I do this, I will miss out on His plan for me because I am doing my plan. If you can actually pinpoint this to be so, and it is not circumstantial feeling/emotion/stuff getting in the way, then this would be reason enough not to do school.... -DC
- Life will be put on hold for 2.5-3 years.  Life means missions, volunteering, kids, family, travel, moving, anything.
- My desire to be a nurse has significantly decreased in the last month or so.  And I prayed for that if it wasn’t what I was supposed to do
- I have no clear cut direction from God.  I don’t think...  Either direction I think I should go, I don’t feel at peace about the other direction.
- Traveling, particularly mission trips, will be slim to none.
- Having babies would be put on hold.
- Free time to do things like blog, sew, cook, bake, exercise, meet up with friends, play will be limited
- my ears put a damper on things.  to care for a patient, I would have to take my ears out every time I was assessing someone, put my $400 stethoscope in, then put my ears back in.  It can be handled, it’s just not ideal.
- it doesn’t feel 100% right.  if I'm making a move, I want it to be for something I am passionate about, not a move just to get me out of this job.  and I'm not sure this isn’t that.

Random thoughts:
- I feel good about nursing school for a good amount of any given day, but when I am alone or talking with God, I get this idea that there is something else in store.  That maybe nursing was a good idea 4 years ago, but not anymore.
- I would hate to miss something God wants for me.
- Philippians 4:6-7 (New Living Translation) :6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
- the idea of going through all of this, getting a nursing degree, and not using it much if at all makes me wonder if the drive is even there to do it.
- sometimes you have to step out to find out.
- I wonder if i am saying “no thanks” to something God is giving me and asking him what else he has.


That's a lot to process and I can't say I have been very good at it.


I have prayed and don't feel at peace either way.  


I have always, always wanted to be a nurse.  and here I am.

12.18.10

You are a good God who blesses us with little things when we need pick ups.  We have been dying to take a vacation, turn off our phones, be together and you had Lauren Day email me offering her cabin to us.  Never in my wildest would I have thought you would do that.  But, you knew what we needed and you knew we needed to do it on  a budget and you gave us this weekend away from the busy city life.  We are so thankful for that.

And so Devin is off riding with his friends- we/he is so blessed to have good guy friends who will drive down to go for a ride with him.  I am sitting in the cabin alone with you, writing because sometimes that's the best way I can talk to you.  It's nice to be alone with you- I am getting to where I need that.  I've prayed for that- for the desire to be near to you more and more.

Thank you for what you have done for us.  How you have provided for us.  How you take care of us.  For the peace we have in knowing you do have a plan.

Lord, I am still stressed and worried about school.  I feel pretty strongly that you have other plans for 2011 than me going to nursing school.  Man, when I prayed for you to take the desire away if it wasn't right, I never expected it to be so night and day.  I don't want to force school.  I want to be available for when you want to use me.  But Lord, with everything going on at work- the politics, the constant changing, the issue with me looking up my Dad's MRI results and possibly losing my job, it's sickening.  If they let me stay, I don't want to stay.  But I don't want to  be fired either.  I never thought I was that kind of person- to get fired, but I am the worst of the worst...how can I sit here and say you know my heart and know I am not someone to do that when I did it!  Please forgive me.

Lord I so desire something new.  Change.  This cabin and the country life...I adore it.  I so desire a home we can invite tons of people to.  Somewhere to show love, and I don't feel like I have that in our oddly shaped apartment packed to the gills.  Lord, send us a home.  Send us new jobs.  I am desperate for something new.  Show me what you want to do with me this next year.

Change my heart from a heart of bitterness and selfishness to an open heart filled with compassion and love for people.  So often my hearing keeps me from doing that...because of me, not because I cannot hear.  Lord use that.  Forgive me for the way I talk about the amazing in laws you have blessed me with.  Change me Lord.

So for this weekend, I pray for renewal, for relaxation, for preparation for the holidays.  Most of all, I pray that Devin and I will grow closer to you and to each other in spending time together.

So grateful for your love.

12.9.10

God,

I had good intentions with this.  I probably say that a lot.

I am in so many uneasy places right now and I am really REALLY working on trusting you diligently with all of it.

Last week my boss sat me down and asked me why I was looking up my dad's MRI records at work.  My heart sank.  You know this, you were there.  Most of all, God, I can't bring myself back to the point where I decided to do that.  What is that about me?  I canNOT remember what I was thinking at the time, if I thought it was wrong, or not wrong.  I cannot figure out why I would have done it if I did think for one second that it was wrong.  I was here before.  This year.

And so I am in limbo right now.  Last time I had to talk to HR, and then it was weeks before they told me if they would keep me or fire me.  By your grace only did they keep me.  And I am praying for that grace again every day.

But, regardless, you know what you're doing.  I just hate the what ifs.  What if I can't find another job, what if my marriage suffers because of this somehow, what if I get sick and don't have benefits, or what if I get on Devin's benefits and it straps us for money? For as much as I complain, this job offers me a lot.  It pays for a lot of my hearing aids.  It has amazing medical benefits.  The pay is great.  It scares me to lose it.  Lose the comfort I guess?

But God you also know how I feel about working here; I am so antsy to do something else...with the same level of comfort.  I can only assume it probably won't work out that way.

I signed up for nursing school to start in January and have been praying...begging for some feelings of one way or the other.  Mostly, I am feeling like it is not right but then I wonder if I only think that because I don't feel a huge pull to do it?  It is expensive and it will be time consuming.  I would HATE to miss out on anything you wanted me to do because of school.  But there are things like people telling me I would be a great nurse, that it's a great job, that it pays well, that Methodist will pay for it (see how this is such a sticky place?  Methodist will pay for it yet maybe I won't be working at Methodist)...and so I am so torn.  Part of me thinks I have to take a step of faith into school and part of me thinks not.  Part of me wonders if I will regret if I do it or regret if I don't.

If I didn't go, I would like to do missions, traveling, volunteering, find a new job.  I am craving  change, Lord.  I am craving change in big ways.  This job makes me feel empty inside- that I spend so much time working to make people happy instead of loving on people.  I think there's a difference.  I get yelled at constantly at work.  It is breaking me down and I need you to show me where to go.

So I've been focusing on just that.  How do I find out what you want me to do?  How do I walk in your will if I don't know what that will is?

School starts January 18th.  I have until the 14th to decide if I am going to do it.  I have until the 1st to fill out my tuition reimbursement for Methodist to pay for it.  Who knows when I will get the news about my job.

Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me!

Draw near to me God.  I am scared.  I am anxious.  I am worried.  I am iffy.  I am unsure.  I don't want to make a wrong choice that will alter my life.

Help me to make the right choice.

Please forgive me for breaking the rules at work.  I am asking for your grace and mercy and your will with my job.


Give me a peace.  Help me to trust you constantly.


I love you.  I am thankful for your love.


Amen.

October 22, 2010

God.

In an effort to be closer to you
to know you more
to involve you in our lives more than we have,
I hope this journal will help me
to pray to you
and bring things to you
more than I do.
I pray it's a place I can come and vent
a place I can give things to you and trust you to control them.
I hope it's a way of prayer you don't mind.
I pray I will see the ways you have answered our prayers, whether it's how we thought or not, through this journal.
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God,

Devin and I are both in places at work where we feel...defeated daily. Bored? Lazy? Tired of it? Need a change? I can't quite figure out what it is, but we both feel something- some feeling of needing to move along.

And yet, I stay in this job day in and day out. I let things get to me. I let things upset me, and I have more bad days than good. I read a Proverbs 31 today called, "Do the work", and it was so encouraging. No matter what I go through, what makes me upset, I need to just do the work and know you are with me.

Devin seems a bit insecure in a job change. I think we both are. Insurance, travel, moving...Lord, help us to trust that you will work it all out. Our lease is up in March and we will needed to decide on where to live, etc...etc...etc.

Lord send jobs our way. Make the ones you want for us very very evident. Please provide an affordable and fun place to live for us. Lord help us to trust you with all of it.

Amen.