God,
I had good intentions with this. I probably say that a lot.
I am in so many uneasy places right now and I am really REALLY working on trusting you diligently with all of it.
Last week my boss sat me down and asked me why I was looking up my dad's MRI records at work. My heart sank. You know this, you were there. Most of all, God, I can't bring myself back to the point where I decided to do that. What is that about me? I canNOT remember what I was thinking at the time, if I thought it was wrong, or not wrong. I cannot figure out why I would have done it if I did think for one second that it was wrong. I was here before. This year.
And so I am in limbo right now. Last time I had to talk to HR, and then it was weeks before they told me if they would keep me or fire me. By your grace only did they keep me. And I am praying for that grace again every day.
But, regardless, you know what you're doing. I just hate the what ifs. What if I can't find another job, what if my marriage suffers because of this somehow, what if I get sick and don't have benefits, or what if I get on Devin's benefits and it straps us for money? For as much as I complain, this job offers me a lot. It pays for a lot of my hearing aids. It has amazing medical benefits. The pay is great. It scares me to lose it. Lose the comfort I guess?
But God you also know how I feel about working here; I am so antsy to do something else...with the same level of comfort. I can only assume it probably won't work out that way.
I signed up for nursing school to start in January and have been praying...begging for some feelings of one way or the other. Mostly, I am feeling like it is not right but then I wonder if I only think that because I don't feel a huge pull to do it? It is expensive and it will be time consuming. I would HATE to miss out on anything you wanted me to do because of school. But there are things like people telling me I would be a great nurse, that it's a great job, that it pays well, that Methodist will pay for it (see how this is such a sticky place? Methodist will pay for it yet maybe I won't be working at Methodist)...and so I am so torn. Part of me thinks I have to take a step of faith into school and part of me thinks not. Part of me wonders if I will regret if I do it or regret if I don't.
If I didn't go, I would like to do missions, traveling, volunteering, find a new job. I am craving change, Lord. I am craving change in big ways. This job makes me feel empty inside- that I spend so much time working to make people happy instead of loving on people. I think there's a difference. I get yelled at constantly at work. It is breaking me down and I need you to show me where to go.
So I've been focusing on just that. How do I find out what you want me to do? How do I walk in your will if I don't know what that will is?
School starts January 18th. I have until the 14th to decide if I am going to do it. I have until the 1st to fill out my tuition reimbursement for Methodist to pay for it. Who knows when I will get the news about my job.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me.
Lord show me you way for me!
Draw near to me God. I am scared. I am anxious. I am worried. I am iffy. I am unsure. I don't want to make a wrong choice that will alter my life.
Help me to make the right choice.
Please forgive me for breaking the rules at work. I am asking for your grace and mercy and your will with my job.
Give me a peace. Help me to trust you constantly.
I love you. I am thankful for your love.
Amen.
